Thoughts on Middle School
It doesn’t always suck.
People regard middle school with horror and trepidation, much as parents view the oncoming train of the teen years. My experiences have been kind of the opposite, so I’m sharing them with you as an alternative perspective (with some developmental science thrown in for funsies).
I had a totally different middle school experience than many of my peers, and so has my 14-year-old enby. I was bullied badly in 5th grade, so by the time I got to middle school, I had no fucks left to give about what other kids thought. I was in awesome gifted and talented classes that I loved; I had semi-stable friend groups, and I volunteered with the Mondale-Ferarro campaign. I did music, theater, and art. It was way better than high school, which I left early for college because, between the Heathers culture and the rape culture, it was freaking awful.
My kid is queer, out, has a great group of supportive, mostly queer friends, has some amazing teachers, and is in advanced theater, which is like a pile of sweet hyperactive puppies. These kids support each other so much. I did all their makeup in one crazed Halloween afternoon, and it was a blast. I didn’t send my kid into middle school with the expectation that it would suck because my experience was so non-normative. But they also have a different landscape. They’re a quarantine kid – half of 4th and all of 5th were online. It gave them a chance to develop as an individual without so much gender and behavior policing. They learned to use their phone and computer to connect actively with other kids rather than just passively watch stuff. They started with a stronger sense of self in middle school than I did. They also do better with the multi-class format than the one-teacher format, by far (as did I). It’s easier to ignore one asshole teacher for three hours a week than every day.
It has not been without challenges. The US, my state in particular, does not give a flying fuck about neurodivergent kids, so it often comes down to either individual teachers or me waving my Ph.D. in the face of the district and threatening legal action. Some teachers are incompetent or sadistic, and nobody does anything about it. There’s no real support for ADHD and Dyslexic kids beyond accommodations, and the teachers ignore them half the time. My kid has struggled with anxiety and depression over friends being in bad home situations, the world being generally on fire, loss, and grief, and struggling with executive function as we were slow to get the ADHD diagnosis* (mom guilt ACTIVATE!). *Side note: are you a parent who found out you were neurodivergent when your kid was tested? I am now a member of your club. Please tell me where the cookies are.
I see a lot of the problems with middle school as systemic as much as social. Yes, my kid can be an asshole regularly due to hormones, neural remodeling, sensory overload, or just general teen-ness. But I think the challenge for us as parents is to step back and let them lead as much as is safe and sane. Teens are not overgrown kids, and they are not immature adults. They are in a distinct developmental stage, the hallmarks of which include a major remodel of the brain (which is mostly responsible for weird behavior, not hormones), a growing awareness of impending adulthood, and a very developmentally healthy and necessary (and painful for parents) switch of focus from parents to peers. They are risk-prone for important developmental reasons, which is a bitch to grapple with. The rules and limitations of childhood WILL NOT WORK (and neither will adult expectations) and need to be assessed and adjusted regularly. This includes screen time and socials, bedtimes, food rules (if you do those – I don’t), homework, language, and a reassessment of what is considered general teen-ness and what is genuine assholeness that needs to be addressed.
All this to say, your kid’s middle school experience is not set in stone. Magnet schools can be great (if you’re in the US) and may provide kids with a peer group less likely to descend like a pack of rabid hyenas. Talk to other parents and educators in your district and get the vibe. Teenagers are freaking awesome–unfortunately, it’s on us to get past the considerable butthurt that comes with not being as needed, respected, or loved-on as we were by our younger kids. Our feelings are real, but they are not the teen’s fault. We must build or rebuild our social supports as our kids become more independent. Call your old therapist. Try a new thing. Commiserate with other teen parents. Think about how much you don’t miss the toddler years. And love the people your teens are growing into as much as you loved that tiny larvae of endless potential.
Rage Blogging is Therapy 